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Reading between the lines of cruise line brochures and websites

Cruise line brochures and websites are designed to seduce potential passengers with enticing buzzwords and copy. Sure, some of it waxes true. But you do have to read between the lines.

So here are 10 of the most popular expressions in cruise literature and what they really mean:

Nautical speak: Many small luxury ships like to boast, ”We call at exotic ports where mega-liners fear to tread." 

Translation: It could be you've found an off-the-beaten-track small port like Le Marin in Martinique, pictured above. Or it could be that, yes, you may find some big ships where we dock, but hey, there are just not enough ports to go around so we sometimes do have to pull into a port along dozens of other ships.

Choose a Suite on your Princess ship to get a separate sitting area and coffee table, furnished balcony, large walk-in closet, two flat-panel TVs, a twin or queen bed and exclusive amentities. Discuss the room that's right for you with a Cruiseable travel professional.
Courtesy of Princess CruisesChoose a Suite on your Princess ship to get a separate sitting area and coffee table, furnished balcony, large walk-in closet, two flat-panel TVs, a twin or queen bed and exclusive amentities. 

Nautical speak: “All our staterooms are suites.”

Translation: Well, it depends on the definition. Sure, a suite normally means a bedroom and living room separated by a closing door, but hey, we have big cabins with a sitting room and even a curtain that divides it from the bedroom.

Enjoy inventive cuisines at the specialty restaurant Wonderland.
Courtesy of Royal Caribbean InternationalEnjoy inventive cuisines at the specialty restaurant Wonderland on Symphony of the Seas. 

Nautical speak: “Gourmet food.” 

Translation: If you’re talking gastronomy on dry land, you’ll have a hard time finding top-notch dining in the big ship dining rooms. But many ships’ specialty restaurants do serve exceptional fare. And the cuisine on Crystal, Seabourn, Silversea, Regent Seven Seas, Viking and Oceania can match many shoreside eateries and may even exceed some. 

Enjoy some cool ice cream on your stop in Dubai.
Courtesy of Dubai TourismEnjoy your ice cream, but you may have to pay extra for it on some ships.

Nautical speak: “Fare includes all meals, entertainment and shipboard activities.”

Translation: Except when it doesn’t. For example, all-inclusive fares often don't cover meals in specialty restaurants which can cost $40 per person and up for the privilege. Or certain exercise classes, which are no longer free on some ships. Or soft drinks and water, which can set you back a pretty penny. (We once paid $7 plus tip for a bottle of Evian). Even ice cream on a few ships costs extra.

Silver Spirit butler Neo (Ireneo Ecap) offering an array of upscale toiletries for a guest's stay.
JD Lasica / Special to CruiseableSilver Spirit butler Neo (Ireneo Ecap) offering an array of upscale toiletries for a guest's stay.

Nautical speak: “Gratuities are included in fare.” 

Translation: Yes this one is true on Crystal, Regent Seven Seas, Silversea and Seabourn. And some mainstream operators also run specials that include  tips. It's a good deal, given that gratuities can quickly add up. 

A scene from the musical
Simon Brooke-Webb / Courtesy of Royal CaribbeanA scene from the musical "Grease" on Harmony of the Seas.

Nautical speak: “Las Vegas or Broadway-style entertainment.” 

Translation: The performers on your ship are trying their best. In fairness, some ships do put on lavish productions or entertaining stage shows, but for the most part keep your expectations realistic. Unless a big-name entertainer is on the bill, shows do not always live up to the brochure hype. Still, most are diverting enough to keep passengers engaged, and the level of the entertainment has been improving steadily over the years.

Relax with a couples massage at the Cunard Royal Spa aboard Queen Elizabeth.
Courtesy of Cunard LineRelax with a couples massage at the Cunard Royal Spa aboard Queen Elizabeth.

Nautical speak: “Our full-service spa and salon offers treatments of all kinds and caters to both men and women." 

Translation: True, there are shipboard spas and they do offer an extensive menu of therapies and plenty of pampering. But what they don’t tell you is how much it costs. Plenty!

Nautical speak: “Fast and free Internet.”

Translation: Most of the time, if the cruise line doesn't charge for Internet usage on the ship, it's only for a certain amount of time. However, the ‘‘fast’’ part usually doesn't wax true. It’s not the cruise line’s fault, but most of the time Wi-Fi connections at sea are annoying slow.

Nautical speak: “All staterooms are equipped with television access to CNN 24 hours a day.’’

Translation: Well, when the signal connects, then you'll get CNN.

Nautical speak: “Our balcony spans 250 square feet.” 

Translation: Well, let's not break out the measuring tape. You're not really that picky, are you? 

Patti Pietschmann
I'm the LA Travel Diva and spend time cruising with first mate Richard, traveling the world, reviewing fine restaurants, going to plays, movies and events. It's the good life.

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